Coping with the child’s feelings about separation Some young children are fine about being separated from their mother but many of them feel some anxiety. It is very important to take particular care to address the emotional needs of your young child when they are going to be separated from you while you. It is important to plan and prepare for parting and for coming back together, as these transition times are difficult for the child and for you.
For instance, you can ease the parting by leaving your child with a loved object – a favourite teddy or piece of blanket – or something familiar of your own that smells of you and feels like part of you. No matter what kind of childcare is arranged young children can experience separation anxiety. This means that when the mother (or another adult to whom the child is attached – their father or a ‘mother-figure’) leaves, the child may show signs of panic, distress or rage. Crying and clinging are normal reactions.
The child may feel they are ‘falling apart’ without the comfort of the person who is most familiar to them. It is not unusual for the child to be cold and withdrawn when their parent comes back, giving the parent the experience of feeling rejected. It will take a little time for you to see whether your child has settled. The tears and tantrums when you leave, and clinging or rejection when you come back, are not necessarily a sign that your child has not settled, but may be an expression of how they feel about the separation. This is to be expected when a child moves into the wider world and has to adjust to the changes. It does not necessarily mean that you have made the wrong choice of childcare, or that you should give up work.
Starting pre-school or nursery school is an important stage in the separation process and the feelings aroused or battles waged at an earlier stage often re-emerge at this point. Many children embrace this change without a backward glance. It is sometimes the mother in this situation who feels sad and disappointed at having to let go and move on. Some children feel very ready for the stimulus of other children, toys, educational challenges and all that the new world of pre-school or nursery school has to offer. But many young children who are developing normally nevertheless find this particular stage of life very difficult. They may express their feelings through crying and clinging. They may also return to baby habits and behaviour, such as thumb-sucking, bedwetting or accidents at school, tantrums and baby language. It is as if they are giving their parents the message that they want to go backwards to a more comfortable time rather than forwards to the next stage. It is common for parents to see enormous swings between moods of great dependence and independence – a little baby one minute and an assertive and exploratory three-year-old the next.
